Dec 31, 2014

Ends


I finally told my mum about the end of my relationship.
My mom will always be able to understand what's wrong with my relationship. 
It's comforting to know that. It's not a blame game; she knows this much.

I don't know how my mom can know so much from what I could muster out of my mouth. 
I am always incoherent and being unable to convey my exact thoughts is my specialty.
But my mom knows my struggles and weaknesses. I am her son after all.

She fears about me, she said. Something about ending up like my older sister.
She said I asked the same questions my sister asked her, many years ago.
The same uncertainties, the same grumbles.

We talked a lot about failed relationships. 
About why relationship will not work and why marriage fails.
About what she can see in me that confirms her suspicion.

Too long of a relationship can ruin it. Too short won't work either.
"Never trust a woman." She asked me to believe her, as she is a woman herself.
To love fully to the point of madness, that is when you know it's the right one.

"Perfectionists are always like that." Mom, you forgot to say "selfish, too".
I will always love myself more, love my happiness more.
Because what is my self to me, if not for the love I give myself?

Build your career and see the world more. 
Build your own capacity to love in your own time, in your own way.
Build up the strength to walk away because you know it is the right thing to do.

"The point of letting go is always mercy for both sides, even in silence intention."
For what point is there when there is no serious plan for tomorrow days?
The past may be way too long to live with, but the future can hold more still.

I ended this year with a failed relationship and a lot of sins.
Leaving behind a possible good future and a possible failed one too.
May 2015 brings me the chance to love myself more and be at peace with it.

Amin.
Goodbye,
2014 and you.

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