Mar 13, 2018


There is a quietness in the soul that softens the beats of the heart to bring it near purring stillness. The breath of the air becomes tangible - it runs silky cool all over the body as it washes the very sweat that usually linger with the heat. Time does not slow down as contrary to the popular beliefs. It merely became less important, the mechanics of its passing now turned to abstract, carelessly measured in relativity and its insignificance.

It is a satisfaction that is indescribable and very much unlike other pleasures ever perceived in this Godly earth. I craved for this peace very much more so than the aches that I bear. Or maybe it's the other way around - there must be a dressing for every wound cleaned. The worse it gets, the greater the need for that peace. The dark hollow penetrates even deeper, clawing and gnawing at the roots, slowly loosening the foundation I called desire to love as it sends bitter dirt and blackened soil around.

But it's more than just a peace to get rid of the misery. I had tasted the soothing moment of tranquility. It was instantaneous, fleeting, and gone without the company of time. It was like a gulp from a sip of icy water drank in the mindless strike of heat storm. Thirstily, rabidly, to the point of near insanity - I drank the elusive elixir as much as I could and when it left me, the loss nearly tore my heart into pieces.

I have the map that leads to it, though. The blueprint on constructing palace of peace and the compass that can guide me as I sail across the starry-filled seas. It's not even riddled with puzzles or blinded by intricacies. But the path to tranquility, the journey that it will cost me will take a lot of time and decisions. It might not even come to fruition. But it is alive at the moment, glowing best with possibilities in deep slumber of my dreams and hovering just so, unsinkable still even when caught in the waking moment of tumultuous roaring reality.

I finally know how I am going to spend my life. It will not be glorious, merry, or known to anyone. It will not be shared. It will not be influenced by anyone or anything else. It is not even static. The final end is fixed yet I will make the paths connected from checkpoint to checkpoint of my life to be springy and unbroken. I will wield this spear staff of mine, this way of life that I have chosen, privately and with utmost care. I will protect the happiness I rightly deserved after so long with every ounce of my strength, the tip of the point sharpened and the handle polished.

In the process I will hurt myself. There will be moments of weakness and doubt seeping in. Every weapon can turn towards its master. I might have crisis in the years to come about my decisions now. But in the end, every life will end and so will mine. What miserable short years I think I only have I wish it to be filled with my efforts to search for my own tranquility. For the sake of my life and for my soul in the afterlife. This might be the last time I talk about love and the pain I caused and received, but in the end, we are all just beggars in the world. May Allah blessed this path of mine.


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