Of Failed Feelings

Text messages and long silences

Of business attended and revision of long due

The air and the mood are never the same again

Cautiously polite with an air of feinted care-free

Strictly no woes mentioned, no depression stressed

And no entry towards personal feelings

Nor shared opinions.

I have given hope of happiness

Vows and promises are things of wrong past

Never again! 

But the beating of the heart is dull with ache

And it grows weary of such feelings

Such conflict battles inside of me everyday

Wrecking havoc of what little peace of my mind left

as I have sacrificed the rest not so long ago.

What I do now is asking for trouble

Of opening wound to those involved

Of planting more seeds of doubt

As what hope can I get 

From tomorrow that is to come?

Of mixed signals and unanswered questions?

Should I make amend to what decision I had made before?

And then what? Patching the canvas of relationship

that is tainted with holes and burn marks

With apologies and proposals?

What exactly do you want, heart?

And what exactly do you have in mind, brain?

Maybe going out together is out of the question

Too much damage and too much heartbreak

I'll be surprised if I won't get punched in the face tomorrow

If tomorrow really happen.

What exactly is the right thing to do?

Is my love not deep enough to accept her this way?

Is her love not deep enough to accept me this way?

I want to crawl back to the age of boy hates girl

To era of feelings untreated and passion being unbeknownst

Because nothing is more miserable than knowing

I failed in relationship and I deserve no one

Second chances and restarting things are over for me

Because I have abused these things

And when my heart is completely empty

And hardened to cold, hard stone

I can painlessly forget all this

Of failed feelings and second-guessing.