Eid confessions

• I envy those of big families - the ones who come with loads of uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews. At most I only know two of my cousins and those two I hardly talk to for the past 20 years or so. Why?
• My parents' extended families are complicated. That's why. I thought families with many siblings are wonderful. They generally are, when they are not busy fighting each other. My mom has nine siblings and she is the oldest. Today I asked her where the rest of her siblings are. Only one of her sisters (my mom has seven sisters and a brother) lives outside Johor, which means that for the past 4 years I could have easily visit them. Why didn't I?
• I never know them. That's the reason. I barely remember what they are all called (Mok Ka, Mok Na, Mok Yu, Mok Indah, Mok Tura, etc.). From time to time my mom will talk about them but using their shortened name, which is not meant for a nephew like me to use. But I don't know them to the point I don't even know who is who and how they all look like. 
• It's because I don't see them. Ever. My family rarely go balik kampung for various reasons:
• My mom's siblings are fighting each other and my mom does not want to take sides so she will refrain from meeting any of them.
• I don't even have a kampung to go back to, actually. Before this my grandparents are living in a house lot bought by one of my uncles in a whim located in an area that is way underpopulated and underdeveloped. Now they are living with their youngest (or second youngest or entah lah mana aku tau) daughter in Pasir Gudang.
• And actually my family does in fact visit them on Eid, but not on the first day. And definitely when we visit the rest of my mom's siblings punya family are not there.
• Some of the relatives are jealous with my siblings' achievement or something (that is so stupid it's ridiculous I can't even believe it myself) that drove my big sister to hate going balik kampung. I chaffed at her for being stupid because really, I already missing out a large chunk of what celebrating Eid is all about I really don't need trouble from my own sister. 
• So I don't exactly know how many cousins I do have. 
• I don't know which cousins are from which parents.
• I don't know who they are or how do they look like.
• I don't see them. I don't know them.
• Some of the relatives do not even disclosed their home address. STUPID TAK? Imagine my grandparents do not know where one of their daughters lives because her husband forbids them from coming to their house. No wonder aku tak kenal anak-anak kau you piece of shit.
• I'm tired of feeling green with envy looking at my friends having great times with their relatives. Why can't I have that? My family is a bit so closed-off sometimes I feel so bored. I never know what is it like to feel all tired celebrating Eid for days, visiting relatives and sharing stories. Why can't I have relatives who are all coming back home at the same time, eating and talking and joking around like the rest of normal people celebrating Eid? Why should I be denied that simple yet priceless pleasure?

Sometimes aku rasa aku benci hari raya. Sebab selain dari dapat bersama dengan keluarga aku, raya aku kosong takde apa-apa yang boleh aku nak banggakan.