Alone

Medicine is unbelievably, a very lonely path for me.

Maybe it is because I'm the only one from my university that chose to work here. Or maybe because I stay in the hospital accommodation alone most of the time. Or maybe now I feel this is not really what I wanted to spend my whole life doing after all.

But in essence, I feel so empty all the time nowadays.

What is life outside work? I hardly know. I don't see any way around it. I really don't. Counting days to be free just for a very short while. Just for a day, stretching it a bit further by several hours at most. No trips planned. No activities in mind. Just repetitive tasks of waking up forcefully by the blaring sound of the alarm, fighting against the chill shower, dreading all the way to work with fast palpitations and no excitement whatsoever. To return, every day, with more fatigue and disappointment? To be back in bed, feeling crushed and lonely more than ever each passing day?

Honestly, this is killing me.

I don't know what I want to do anymore. I don't have any clue for any alternative. I don't have any strength to change my course or to back down and let it all go either. I hate going to work with the fear in my heart and the unknown in my head. I hate getting chewed up by people who don't even try the shoe that I'm in. I hate that I make mistakes. I hate that I am liable for it. I hate that I will do more and more mistakes. I hate being wrong. I hate who I am now. I hate it with all my heart.

But some days are better than the others. But not necessarily improving.

Nobody seems to understand about the predicament I am in. All they know is that I must never give up. My parents are worried that I might crack under pressure. I don't see why shouldn't I be. It is not like I never know or never predict the life of a doctor is. I know it years ago. But knowing and living it are very different. And now I don't know what I want to do with my life. The direction I'm going to. I don't see it. I'm very much afraid I won't see it.

I'm this close to drowning.

The hails are storming in and the mountainous sea is crashing down. And I'm the one-legged Captain with the crooked hook for a hand in this miserable ship with the broken rudder, helplessly carried along the current to wherever the hell I dragged myself into.

Curse it all.