The old and familiar panic button

Quick intro: I am rushing against a deadline for my elective assignment, I'm in my second ESR rotation, and I'm in trouble with MARA. My parents are coming back from Makkah this Wednesday, my grandma is getting discharged from the ward anytime this weekend, and I am feeling miserable with my final year.

I am backwards in my study. I feel restless and stupid. It's hard to find rhythm and tempo in my study. Also, my car is fast becoming an old car. I learnt to change a tire the other day. I haven't wash it in months. Also, I eat a lot now. I spend a lot now. Despite my allowance from MARA is non-existence now, I still feel I am spending the money I borrowed from my sis quite lavishly. 

Back to my study. I am really afraid right now. How am I supposed to be a doctor like this? I'm not ready. Everything seems hard and difficult. I can't remember everything. I don't even know what are the things that I shouldn't forget. Also I am still can't decide (shit my grammar went all over the place.) how or where to study effectively. My room is too hot the chair is too low and too stiff I am a chronic user of Internet how la weyh to focus.

My parents still don't know about my MARA allowance situation. It's gonna cause me a massive headache once they freaked out about it. Again, back to my study. I am restless. I have plans on how to tackle this year but it seemed it's going to be so tedious and tiring and long-winded there's a high chance of falling off the wagon or a slip.

So here I am rattling off about my problems. Heck, it's not like there's anyone reading about this. Plus I updated this blog once a month I think it's pretty healthy for me. I really don't have time to type a lot of things here cuz you know final year sucks and scary and terrifying I am fast developing inferior complex towards my juniors (don't ask me why or how I am really insecure about it) I need a big, red panic button to chill my asses off.