A shamble, A sham, A shame

It's been two months since I became a medical officer here working in ED. The last month was all about me fidgeting to become accustomed to the working nature of MOship and beyond. More often than not, I faced dissatisfaction and I would feel a sense of unease in the pit of my stomach. On more bearable days, I would end my shift with empty mind and an empty heart. You only know too little, react to changes too late, and feeling too much when reflecting upon your incompetence.


The only positive thing I can take from all this is that being an MO will forever make me humbled. Everyday I feel like an idiot. Everyday I am learning something. Although to be accurate, everyday I feel like "how-on-Earth-did-he-become-a-doctor" kind of idiot for not knowing or forgetting about certain diagnoses and/or their management.


True, we all cannot possibly know everything that needs to be learned in a short matter of time. And knowledge has a depreciation value in its nature - over time what knowledge not practiced or revisited will just be forgotten away. Add to the fact that I am very senile and forgetful it just makes it much harder for me.


All these bring us to another issue at hand - my readiness to take FRCEM Primary paper. I had set my eyes on the exam that is due in December. The paper is all about basic sciences - 1/3rd of it is anatomy, another 1/3rd is physiology, and the rest is divided into pathology, pharmacology, microbiology, and evidence-based medicine, or whatever that is called. I already subscribed to FRCEMtutor for practice questions and I already had a layout for my revision timetable. All I can say, I am marvelously in dismay and currently am drowning in disarray. I have difficulty following my timetable and as a result, I am already late behind revision schedule. It is all nothing but a shamble, a sham, a shame.


These incompetency that I feel, the insecurity that crushing in waves inside of me, made me question whether I am qualified enough to take the paper. I am less than a hatchling. I am not even measure to a struggling fledgling. I am the cracked skin off the rotten egg. Should I learn more, see more, experience more before attempting anything worthy? Or should I just dive ahead in the sea of misery and take the bloody paper anyway. Misery is nothing new to me so might as well go for it, don't you think? I feel that because as of right now, I don't think I can pass the paper anyway.