A shamble, A sham, A shame

It's been two months since I became a medical officer here working in ED. The last month was all about me fidgeting to become accustomed to the working nature of MOship and beyond. More often than not, I faced dissatisfaction and I would feel a sense of unease in the pit of my stomach. On more bearable days, I would end my shift with empty mind and an empty heart. You only know too little, react to changes too late, and feeling too much when reflecting upon your incompetence.


The only positive thing I can take from all this is that being an MO will forever make me humbled. Everyday I feel like an idiot. Everyday I am learning something. Although to be accurate, everyday I feel like "how-on-Earth-did-he-become-a-doctor" kind of idiot for not knowing or forgetting about certain diagnoses and/or their management.


True, we all cannot possibly know everything that needs to be learned in a short matter of time. And knowledge has a depreciation value in its nature - over time what knowledge not practiced or revisited will just be forgotten away. Add to the fact that I am very senile and forgetful it just makes it much harder for me.


All these bring us to another issue at hand - my readiness to take FRCEM Primary paper. I had set my eyes on the exam that is due in December. The paper is all about basic sciences - 1/3rd of it is anatomy, another 1/3rd is physiology, and the rest is divided into pathology, pharmacology, microbiology, and evidence-based medicine, or whatever that is called. I already subscribed to FRCEMtutor for practice questions and I already had a layout for my revision timetable. All I can say, I am marvelously in dismay and currently am drowning in disarray. I have difficulty following my timetable and as a result, I am already late behind revision schedule. It is all nothing but a shamble, a sham, a shame.


These incompetency that I feel, the insecurity that crushing in waves inside of me, made me question whether I am qualified enough to take the paper. I am less than a hatchling. I am not even measure to a struggling fledgling. I am the cracked skin off the rotten egg. Should I learn more, see more, experience more before attempting anything worthy? Or should I just dive ahead in the sea of misery and take the bloody paper anyway. Misery is nothing new to me so might as well go for it, don't you think? I feel that because as of right now, I don't think I can pass the paper anyway.

FRCEM Parallel Pathway in Malaysia

Wait, am I on the right blog? This fellow, talking about paper?

Well, I am not exactly talking about it in details. It's something that I want to pursue career-wise. Previously, I only know of people taking Master's program in order to become an emergency physician (a specialist). I know roughly that the path to it is long, terribly difficult, and painstakingly competitive.


Not to say that FRCEM is in anyway, easier. I spent an entirety of my morning researching about FRCEM and recently, my ED consultant shared in the telegram group of FRCEM as parallel pathway to become a specialist in Malaysia. This obviously is very interesting and appealing, but I have no clue on how to proceed with it so I googled around.


The best tips and info about it so far is from this Malaysian blog:

A Study In Scarlet

I once said that the FRCEM/MRCEM is more similar to MRCS than MRCP, because it is mainly used to supplement your entry into the local Masters programme. But not anymore. With the introduction of the FRCEM Parallel Pathway, the FRCEM exams are now more similar to MRCP in that you can pick one or the other to become an emergency physician.

I am so amazed with the author. They are such an inspiration and like, errghh, they prepared for the exam during housemanship and took the exams during floating MOship. What. A. Stud. I want to be like the author toooo.

JAWESOME DROP

I am not going to explain all the stages of FRCEM here because honestly, I am still not familiar with the whole thing and secondly, why bother where I can just show to you guys the one-stop link to all the things that you need to know about it!


So, here's the part that I want to let it off my chest with:

1. I want to stay in Emergency department. I really like it despite the workload here at the hospital I'm working at. I have an interest in ED for as long as I can remember.
2. There's this uncertainty of where I would be posted when the issue of permanent vs contract MO will be addressed. I am so afraid if they transferred me to some klinik kesihatan or into department apart from ED. Wouldn't it be rather useless than for me to take the papers if I'm not in ED anyway?
3. Even if I take the papers while not working in ED, do you think it's that easy to ask for a transfer to ED department that has specialists in it? All those stories I hear about people waiting for years begging to be transferred to somewhere else in order to pursue their studies. What a nightmare.
4. I am not a bright doctor. There, I said it. I struggled with my studies in medical school and while I completed my housemanship with no issues, I am not confident I can pass this whole thing.

My plan therefore, would be (bismillah!):

1. To take FRCEM Primary in 5th December 2019 (Application date starts on 1st July 2019)
2. Study and do practice questions
3. Fight and appeal to do ED at my next posting

That's all for now. I've taken the first step of registering an account. Hopefully my plan number 2 (the study part) is gonna take hold AHAHAH okay, let's do this. Laugh at me for I am a poor fool dreaming a fool's dream, but as long as I can dream, let it soar high!