Spotify Playlist #6: It's an Emergency!

As promised, this is the last Spotify playlist for my housemanship, as in the list of songs I love to listen to for the past 4 months when I am in Emergency department. Making a playlist for each posting in housemanship is something I tried to make it as my own 'tradition'. It is fun and it gives me something to talk about.

Sometimes when I am at work, you can find me singing or humming to myself. My colleagues would often asked me questions along the line of "having a good day at work, eh?" because people associate singing as something people do when they are happy.

Sometimes. But for me mostly NOT.

I sing to myself when I find myself stressed at work. I did it subconsciously. Have you ever stuck with a lot of things that you need to do all at once where it accumulates and gets to the point that just by thinking about them all make you freeze and unsure on how or what to start? You can feel the stress just builds up and for me, during those moments these songs that are stuck in my head will just torrented out. It gives me grounded and saner as I combat the craziness at work.

Two songs resonate well with me during my wonderful time in ED, and those are: 

1) Pressure by Muse. This song is simply electric with my favourite style of fast beat tempo and kick ass guitar. The theme of this song really is about pressure, and that pressure to me applies whenever I'm stricken thinking about the huge responsibilities of being an MO. At best, whenever I'm stressed I would often blurt out the whole chorus because it feels like the whole chant to ward off the pressure (too bad it didn't work lol)

"I'm feeling the pressure

I can't break out

No one can hear me scream and shout

Get out of my face and out of my mind"

2) Thunderclouds by Labrinth and Sia. Okay, first of all, it's Sia. I love her voice. Second, this song is perfect. The first 2 seconds played and I'm hooked. To me, personally, this song is about getting through dark days ahead. Well, the song is actually about the mistrust and fear in a relationship, but seeing that mine is quite stable (All I need is love, da-dum da-dum) let's make it about work as usual hahah

"But don't be afraid of these thunderclouds,

These thunderclouds, oh no"

BONUS:

Seeing that Christmas festive is all upon us, I want to share with you guys my favourite Christmas songs. Bear in mind that I don't celebrate Christmas because I'm a Muslim, but hey, loving the songs doesn't equate to observing Christmas. Also, of all those songs, I only like two.

1. Carol of the Bells - originally this is a Ukrainian folk chant as they enter new year during springtime (pre-Christianity). The original song is called Shchedryk, schchedryk. Absolutely smashing, and also the Ukrainian language is just beautiful. It has this eerie note to it, and apparently back in those old days the chants are somewhat magical as in it invokes the good bountiful harvest into the year, like a prayer of some sort.

2. Twelve Days of Hawaiian Christmas - This is somewhat nostalgic. I first stumbled upon this song during my early trip to Klang as I began my housemanship. I was alone, scared, and overall miserable as I drove all by myself to Klang to start my career as a doctor. At that time, the now-extinct Red.fm played this song over the radio. I was like what is this ukulele, hula lesson and coconut are doing in a Christmas song but it managed to entertain and cheered me up considerably. "FIVEEEE BIG FAT PIIIIIIGSSS"

Spotify Playlist #5: Pedopedo

Alhamdulillah, as with every end of posting I will post about my Spotify playlist of songs that I resonated with during the said rotation. I hated Paeds not as fiercely as I thought I would be - it was definitely much better than my dreaded first rotation of doing O&G - partly may be contributed from the accumulated experience and foreknowledge of the dos and don'ts here in Paediatrics.


I did not enjoy much in Paediatrics, that's for sure. The screaming and the wailing of the patients, the dangers and the pitfalls that lurk in between medication errors and failing to recognize paediatric emergencies, the infamous attitudes of shitty colleagues producing questionable MCs and ELs, the potential and tendencies of extension - all of these are enough to make one miserable.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I'm crawling in my skin

Well, takdelah sampai level crawling in my skin but it's akin to that, just mildly so. I hated the busy wards and their patients. I lost count on how many times I had to rein in the strained effort of controlling myself from cursing into the heavens on why I needed to spend up to half an hour just to take blood from one patient. And so I screamed into this old song. God, missed you Chester.

I'm gonna run away, and never say goodbye
Gonna run away, gonna run away
Gonna run away, gonna run away

And over time the feeling propagated and became more depressive. It's hard to get out of it, what with how hard it was to get leave at the time I needed it most. That's one of the reasons why people are taking MCs and ELs left, right and centre I guess. When the outlet isn't there, people will find other ways just to breathe. Absent colleagues only bring about the vicious circle of hell in Paeds because the lack of HO coverage is the killer in any working environment. And that would leave me feeling raw and unnerved:

Everybody knows
Everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down

I was counting days to leave Paeds. My colleagues who had moved on to the next rotation only added to my envy. At times I wished they will stay and wait for me so that all of us should move on together. They all looked much, much happier in other rotation. While the theme of the song is different, I liked how Ed Sheeran delivered this line that suits my mood:

Cause baby you look happier, you do
My friends told me one day I'll feel it too

But finally when I finished my short and long case, with my logbook and greencard approaching completion - I cannot help but feeling motivated. The end had come and I never been happier to know that I managed to survive yet another rotation without (major) troubles. I thanked God for giving me the strength from going bonkers working in this rotation. I feel anew. Like a phoenix born out of ashes (over seyh kau Safuan. Hyperbole at its finest!). And for this, I felt that the song Glitter & Gold from Barns Courtney is my favourite song during this 4-month duration in Paediatrics.

I am flesh and I am bone
Arise, ting ting, like glitter and gold
I've got fire in my soul
Rise up, ting ting, like glitter
Like glitter and gold
Like glitter

Thus I bid you farewell and goodbye, Paediatrics. I will miss you not.

Hello, ED.

Spotify Playlist #4: SURGICAL

This is, perhaps, the shortest playlist of all the department rotation I have been through. I started my fourth posting Surgical with Feel It Still, a catchy song with mischievous Tarantino-vibe tune. I didn't know what to feel about Surgical when I first entered the department - I was a bit apprehensive and was fighting to be alive despite having to go to work with the team I was put in, having to stomach the many imposed stupid rules and not to mention handling the antics of the wards and superiors alike. 

We could fight a war for peace
Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now
Give in to that easy living
Goodbye to my hopes and dreams

On a personal growth, after months of numbing the break-up of my relationship, I began to open up and learning to tolerate listening to crappy stupid love songs. But being tolerant doesn't mean I enjoyed listening to them. For instance - I vividly, viciously, vehemently and venomously hate that Perfect song by Ed Sheeran. That song is rubbing salt to my wounded heart with every syllable that ginger bastard uttered. The very first line,

I found a love for me

is enough to make me cursed out aloud in the car at him before joining up and sing along to the chorus. The version of the song that is in my playlist, though, is the Perfect Symphony where Ed is singing duet with some Italian master singer. I was introduced to this song by my lil sister during our family vacation holiday in Port Dickson and I like it, despite the anger I felt every time this song came up.

Next, the ever feel-good Macklemore graced me with the song These Days by Rudimental to be put in my playlist. The song is gentle and soft to the ears - it's a slow rap song that seemingly innocent at first listening but it's actually a fucking cutthroat song that kills me in my sleep.

Oh, I know it ain't pretty

When two hearts get broke

Yeah, I know it ain't pretty

When two hearts get broke

And when I thought this song couldn't kill me more, here comes the bombshell chorus:

I hope someday
We'll sit down together
And laugh with each other
About these days, these days
All our troubles
We'll lay to rest
And we'll wish we could come back
To these days, these days

There's no fucking way it's gonna happen. Not in any near possibilities nor in any future. I am in the process of healing myself. I want to forgive myself, more than anything, and to this to happen I need to let go of everything. Let me start anew with myself - away from everyone I know and everything I had known to love.

Okay enough with all that depressing matters. What's done is done. 

Lastly, from the same ginger bastard I mentioned earlier I came across the acoustic version of the song Ciao Adios by Anne-Marie. I love it, love it, love it. You'll be surprised how different the tone of the song changed when it is sang in acoustic. Cheating is never the theme of my fucking break-up (sorry I'm getting emotionally unbalanced) and in actuality there's nothing that I can relate to with this song. However, there is this part that really sums me up when I had to deal with all these flash floods of miserable memories (such as this moment):

Ciao adios, I'm done

Spotify Playlist 3: MEDICOLO

I have sent my logbook up to the committee right two weeks before my EOP. I have been chewed on by Ayahanda (He Who Must Not be Named) via Whatsapp after I explained to him that I still haven't completed the 12 departmental teachings required in Medical posting. I still need another two, one of which I just attended and another is my own presentation which will happen next week on the 15th. Both of which are on the dates before my EOP so will ya chill your tits out?

Luckily the other committee members are sympathetic, and Dr Z already signed the completion of training for me. Hooray. That makes it like 99.8% completion of the rotation in Medical for me. Just need to survive next week working in the dengue ward, present my topic and off I go into EOP off days and onto Surgical next. 

Cue in Makeba by Jain, a deeply pulsating song made popular by Levi's Circle advertisement I saw in the cinemas. It came late during the third month selection songs for my playlist; however, I like it immensely that I choose it as the song of the department. When fatigue catches up to me and I feel like all of this is too much, this song slowly defibrilate my all-time low mood and gradually put me back into rhythm. Like back into the groove. LOL. 

"Nobody can beat the Mama Africa 

You follow the beat that she’s gonna give you 

I need a smile you can love 

Make it go, the sufferation of a thousand more"

Spotify Playlist #2: ORTHO

I have finished my second posting uneventfully with the help of these tracks of songs. This time, Human by Rag'n'Bone Man really resonates with me, especially at the part -

"But I'm only human after all 

  I'm only human after all 

 Don't put your blame on me 

 Don't put your blame on me"

 ...because you know, being a houseman, you will make a tonne of mistakes and some of them are not even yours to begin with or out of your control. But the blame and the scolding will have a direction, and as always, houseman (a.k.a poor me) is the ultimate destination.

Spotify Playlist #1: First Rotation

I have this Spotify playlist entitled "First Rotation" which strictly include only the songs that I love singing myself out loud alone shamelessly in the car and that I've came across while in my first posting as a houseman. I tend to compile songs into the time period I listened to them. It brings a hella mixed memories, both suppressed and missed. Well, this playlist is kinda short, but here they are in the order of encounter (except Adele songs, which are timeless yet instant):