How do you cope when things are all moving all at once all at different pace and direction? To muster the strength not to be victorious, but to just unclenching the fist that all along has curled up tight, balled with fury and worry?
The mind shifts. It alternates from a blank state to a typhoon of thoughts mix-blending all the what-ifs and then-whats. At one time it feels monotonous, almost dronish-like as everyday life runs on a series of pre-programmed subroutines. Others, it feels like the command is corrupted; the circuit is broken, and I am left alone to ponder - what the hell is wrong this time?
Will I have to always worry for being not enough?
But what enough is sufficient?
Do I seek help? Do I need to stop?
Should I ask for more?
Or am I just feeling the fear of missing out? That irrational thoughts of being left out, of being not the same as other people be it in terms of career, wealth, health or even family. That fear of leading my loved ones to a life that is worse than the life they had before. That insecurity is aggravated even more in today's economy.
But my love she is steadfast, and she is willing. To live a life together at last, away from she used to and away from family. To live a life with everything that is few, and comfort is shrewd. And when the time comes for her to join living with me, she won't come alone.
This will that lives on is the one I cherish the most. It has been a long time, and I have to wait a bit more, but the wait is almost over now. Welcome to the new year, sayangs, and welcome home.
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