The Will that Lives On

How do you cope when things are all moving all at once all at different pace and direction? To muster the strength not to be victorious, but to just unclenching the fist that all along has curled up tight, balled with fury and worry?

The mind shifts. It alternates from a blank state to a typhoon of thoughts mix-blending all the what-ifs and then-whats. At one time it feels monotonous, almost dronish-like as everyday life runs on a series of pre-programmed subroutines. Others, it feels like the command is corrupted; the circuit is broken, and I am left alone to ponder - what the hell is wrong this time?

Will I have to always worry for being not enough? 

But what enough is sufficient? 

Do I seek help? Do I need to stop? 

Should I ask for more?

Or am I just feeling the fear of missing out? That irrational thoughts of being left out, of being not the same as other people be it in terms of career, wealth, health or even family. That fear of leading my loved ones to a life that is worse than the life they had before.  That insecurity is aggravated even more in today's economy. 

But my love she is steadfast, and she is willing. To live a life together at last, away from she used to and away from family. To live a life with everything that is few, and comfort is shrewd. And when the time comes for her to join living with me, she won't come alone.

This will that lives on is the one I cherish the most. It has been a long time, and I have to wait a bit more, but the wait is almost over now. Welcome to the new year, sayangs, and welcome home.

Major Life Update Announcement

A little quick announcement:

I'M MARRIED NOW!

 

• We had our solemnization on Dec 8th in the morning before continuing with the bride's reception in the afternoon.
• My side's reception was held the following week on the 15th.
• The day after, we scrambled to Bali for our week-long honeymoon.

Okay, that's it for now. The next post will be about our travel to Bali, together with the video I managed to put together shabbily. See ya (not so) soon!

An Infatuation of Fires

In the beginning, there was a fire. I guess I should say the fire is always there, sometimes reduced to  smoldering coal and sometimes it erupts into a great flame. I couldn't know when it first lighted up but I can feel it burns from time to time.

In the past, I had a great campfire. That fire burns for such a long time I thought it would last forever. It used to burn very bright and very warm, but it also came with such hazardous flame. I was burned quite often and over time the great campfire lost its fire and its warmth. The fire finally extinguished and I, exhausted and torched, moved on.

The thing about heat and its warmth that soothes you is that it comes in a lot of ways and sources. There is sunlight which is your primary source of warmth, there's heat from hearth or fireplace when you entered dwellings, there's heat from hot food and drinks, etc. But sometimes you will find yourself looking at fires that are dangerous. Volcanoes, furnaces, stoves, and if you can still play along, other people's fireplace.

But just looking alone is fine. You can't get burned from it. You may longed for its warmth, but you know you're not supposed to. Some fires do hurled itself to you, but most often it's only a small spark or a burst that will die almost immediately after it's being cast. Some fires are too enticing with its bright flames and sparks you feel like a moth being drawn to it. You can't help it so you do stupid things just to get near it. And sometimes you get burned. 

Not this recently ago I came upon a small and steady fireplace that gives me warmth. It is a petite hearth, unlike the great campfire in the past. It does not give off blazing walls of flames. It does not dazzle. But the hearth is as homely as I could imagine it could be, and the warmth is there. There is simply no inferno that will burn me. The flame may be small at the moment, and while other fires out there tug my heart from time to time I feel like I want to stay with this hearth of mine. 

Let the fire burns bright.

Tonight

Tonight I drank in all I could

In great thirst and in great gulps

For rarely have I sweetly tasted 

Of your smiles

Tonight I sat in the philharmonic hall

Where none of the instruments can replicate

And the maestro bowed down to the melodic tune

Of your laugh

So grant me my last wish, genie

Make my nights forevermore complete

For never have I been this sure 

That all I want is you.