Jan 29, 2019

FRCEM Parallel Pathway in Malaysia

Wait, am I on the right blog? This fellow, talking about paper?


Well, I am not exactly talking about it in details. It's something that I want to pursue career-wise. Previously, I only know of people taking Master's program in order to become an emergency physician (a specialist). I know roughly that the path to it is long, terribly difficult, and painstakingly competitive.


Not to say that FRCEM is in anyway, easier. I spent an entirety of my morning researching about FRCEM and recently, my ED consultant shared in the telegram group of FRCEM as parallel pathway to become a specialist in Malaysia. This obviously is very interesting and appealing, but I have no clue on how to proceed with it so I googled around.


The best tips and info about it so far is from this Malaysian blog:

A Study In Scarlet

I once said that the FRCEM/MRCEM is more similar to MRCS than MRCP, because it is mainly used to supplement your entry into the local Masters programme. But not anymore. With the introduction of the FRCEM Parallel Pathway, the FRCEM exams are now more similar to MRCP in that you can pick one or the other to become an emergency physician.


I am so amazed with the author. They are such an inspiration and like, errghh, they prepared for the exam during housemanship and took the exams during floating MOship. What. A. Stud. I want to be like the author toooo.


JAWESOME DROP



I am not going to explain all the stages of FRCEM here because honestly, I am still not familiar with the whole thing and secondly, why bother where I can just show to you guys the one-stop link to all the things that you need to know about it!


So, here's the part that I want to let it off my chest with:

  1. I want to stay in Emergency department. I really like it despite the workload here at the hospital I'm working at. I have an interest in ED for as long as I can remember.
  2. There's this uncertainty of where I would be posted when the issue of permanent vs contract MO will be addressed. I am so afraid if they transferred me to some klinik kesihatan or into department apart from ED. Wouldn't it be rather useless than for me to take the papers if I'm not in ED anyway?
  3. Even if I take the papers while not working in ED, do you think it's that easy to ask for a transfer to ED department that has specialists in it? All those stories I hear about people waiting for years begging to be transferred to somewhere else in order to pursue their studies. What a nightmare.
  4. I am not a bright doctor. There, I said it. I struggled with my studies in medical school and while I completed my housemanship with no issues, I am not confident I can pass this whole thing.

My plan therefore, would be (bismillah!):
  1. To take FRCEM Primary in 5th December 2019 (Application date starts on 1st July 2019)
  2. Study and do practice questions
  3. Fight and appeal to do ED at my next posting

That's all for now. I've taken the first step of registering an account. Hopefully my plan number 2 (the study part) is gonna take hold AHAHAH okay, let's do this. Laugh at me for I am a poor fool dreaming a fool's dream, but as long as I can dream, let it soar high!



Jan 9, 2019

Another Beginning


... and a happy new year of 2019 to us! Woohoo, another year to start off with. Alhamdulillah we are blessed to be alive and still kicking with some of us igniting new year resolution while some already resolved to get real and face the hard truth of not getting any resolution done LOL. Let's start the year (although I'm nine days late but, meh, it still counts) with a reaction gif from my favourite Doctor played by Matt Smith.


I must say, this year really started off well. Big part of it is because I had finally completed my housemanship and now working as a junior MO in Emergency department (ED). The sheer sense of relief that just washed me away feels so incredibly.. rejuvenating. It's like entering a dream-like state of mind. I still half-believed that I am no longer a houseman (I still work like one, more to that later).


Now, some of you might have caught something from my statement in the previous paragraph. A junior MO? Surely you meant floating MO, bro? Also, where will you go after this?


And the answer to all that, really, is made up of two following words: contract houseman. For those who are new to my blog (aceceh poyo gila) or need a sidenote, I am from the first batch of contract doctors (lantikan kontrak) that started housemanship in December 2016. Now, that alone didn't make any huge differences when we worked as a houseman. It's when we are done with it and moving on to being a medical officer (MO) that it becomes rather muddled up.


Why? Because contract doctors should mean there is a selection on deciding who gets to be a permanent MO and contract MO. That's the reason they made all this contract houseman in the first place. The idea is that those who performed less stellar or had many disciplinary issues and etc. will not get an offer to continue working with the KKM a.k.a the Government. That, in some sense, relieves the Government of some burden of too many doctors in the KKM (really?) and ideally, being able to control the quality of their workforce to some degree.


Initially I had already drafted in greater length about this nonsensical, whimsical, diabolical matter of the permanent vs contract MO shenanigan but I realised the tone of the topic contradicts the vigorous mood I wanted to started off with. Plus, it's all unverified in nature (they rarely not, really) so I summed it up about my status currently:
  • Technically, I am a floating MO with a full MMC registration number who was told will float at this hospital for the next 6 months.
  • In the period of this 6 months, the result of the placement will be announced. It can happen after 3 or 4 months, or some time much later. So, let's just agree 6 months is the period for all intents and purposes of this topic. That means, to clarify, I don't know where I will go next.
  • Now, ED has graced us who float in the department by taking us into their cohorts. That means, my colleagues and I follow the same pathway new MOs that are transferred to this hospital ED take - two weeks of tagging before working in shifts like the rests of the MOs.
  • In comparison, the previous floating MOs or new floating MOs under permanent housemanship already have their placement known and will float only for a month. They have lesser working hours and basically just waiting to report in at their new place.


Yo KKM, where my placement at?


Now, moving on, let's talk about being a (junior) MO!


The first two weeks of working as an MO in ED involves a period of tagging where I had to go to work from 8 am to 7 pm with both weekends and public holiday off. I must say, the feeling of having the measly ONE hour more before going to work is monumental (as a houseman we started work at 7am - that's the official one, anyway). It is liberating. It's like petrichor after a long, dry spell. It's daisy and buttercup. In other words, I like it. I like it very much. 


Not to mention the fact I had both weekends off. And public holiday, too, as well. Wait, didn't I mention this before? I did? Well, I have to tell you guys again, weekends off? Am I hallucinating or what? What is this, a trap? Oh, what about the 8am to 7pm thing? Isn't that still a lot of working hours?

Literally everything is better than being a houseman with their working hours.


And now that it's my third week of working, I now enter shift system. For the first 3 weeks, I will only be working either AM shift or the PM shift with one day off (eh, no longer weekends off?). AM shift is from 8am to 3pm (WHAAAT) and PM shift is from 3pm to 10pm. After they review my work and deemed that I am safe to work at night, I will then do night shift as well which is from 10pm till 8am and attending any postnight work. 


I have already worked AM and PM shifts and I tell you, it felt damn gooooood. I don't even feel an ounce of fatigue. By the time I reviewed most of my patients and getting the hang of the situation I will be left with only a few hours taking care of them and start preparing for the passover to the next shift people. True, some stations are more hectic than the rest and the passover usually take almost an hour so I almost never went back on time but nevertheless, I can't believe how much better being an MO working in ED is!




But being an MO came with another level of Responsibility® that I have to shoulder on. As a junior MO I will always be paired with a senior MO covering major stations. For stations that I have to handle on my own, any cases that I wanted to discuss I will do so by finding the registrar or EP (Emergency Physician) in charge of my station. 


At first, it can be quite difficult. The transition from being an HO to an MO doesn't mean you automatically being upgraded in terms of knowledge and experience to handle all the cases. If you are not familiar with some cases during the end of your housemanship you will still, unfortunately, still be clueless as an MO upon encountering the similar case. 


At times, you are stuck between making your own decision as an MO and to ask or discuss cases with other MOs. Some MOs will ask you to think on your own because you are already an MO while some will tell you to not simply do things on your own without consulting others. Because of the responsibility and the vulnerability of actions taken down when something BAD happened to your patients, that cold feet feeling is pretty scary to deal with, especially for cases like dengue fever.


NS1 positive?? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!



It is not too precarious of a matter to begin with actually, in my opinion. I do stumbled here and there but for me over time it will be better. I have an okay relationship with all the MOs in ED (I think!) and while I do not hesitate to ask for opinion, I usually approach them with my own plan and rather than asking what to do, I ask whether is there something else that I have missed. So far, I have no difficulty in voicing out what I think I should do to my patients and when discussing cases with the EPs it gives me plentiful learning opportunities that I deeply appreciate. This is another reason why I enjoy working in my ED.


If work can be enjoyable it should be when I work here in ED 



Another thing that I need some delicate balance is when working with my colleagues who are doing their HO posting in ED. Like I said before, there is like no huge difference between them and I. No upgraded skills, no improved knowledge, no added experience. Some are even better (haven't I told you I am an average doctor at best?) than me, actually. A lot of them are.


So I tried my best, at times, in asking them to help me at work. I really, really, really, don't want to sound like an MO who orders people around while not doing enough work myself. I really don't. Haven't I preached and complained about those type of people incessantly before? A vigilant reminder for me to look in the mirror and do some serious reflection.


Sometimes, not always though, but sometimes, I have this inwardly mental grumble that I am still doing a houseman work. Astaghfirullah. But it's true, I do sometimes feel that way. Whether it's about the staff nurse still asking me to insert line or some other work, I felt that I deserved to work less? not doing menial jobs? and I don't know, being treated like other MO?  when working. (gosh I broke all those grammatical rule with the question marks but it's hard to be articulate here)


I'm not pouting. You are.


And each time these thoughts intruded my mind, I stopped myself. Am I that bighead to demand such things? Am I good enough or important enough to not being occupied with those chores? And I will be reminded with memories of when working as an HO in ED being helped by the MOs in doing houseman work - that alone stopped me in the track.


I remember my bosses helped me with difficult lines, or made calls themselves to refer cases to other teams, or tracing blood and calling patient's relatives to get further information. I remember the good things my bosses still do like thanking us when they or us finished the work shift of the day. I remember the task being delegated evenly to cover the patients that are pouring non-stop into ED during peak hours. I remember that I love how teamwork is strong in ED and these things helped me a lot.


And so I try to be like them. Even though there's already a complaint made regarding new MOs (from my batch who just became MOs in ED) about being rather useless and ordering people without doing any real work, I will try my best to simply do my best (or should I not tell you guys about this issue in the first place? It's rather hushed up and "anonymous" LOL). I have good support of people who can tell me directly if I am not pulling my weight enough so I am ever grateful for the live feedback.





But overall, I'm happy. Alhamdulillah for all the good things that are coming my way now. I hope it can continue to be so. That's it for now. Here to a new year with yet another beginning. Bismillah



Dec 22, 2018

Spotify Playlist #6: It's an Emergency!


As promised, this is the last Spotify playlist for my housemanship, as in the list of songs I love to listen to for the past 4 months when I am in Emergency department. Making a playlist for each posting in housemanship is something I tried to make it as my own 'tradition'. It is fun and it gives me something to talk about.


Sometimes when I am at work, you can find me singing or humming to myself. My colleagues would often asked me questions along the line of "having a good day at work, eh?" because people associate singing as something people do when they are happy.


Sometimes. But for me mostly NOT.


I sing to myself when I find myself stressed at work. I did it subconsciously. Have you ever stuck with a lot of things that you need to do all at once where it accumulates and gets to the point that just by thinking about them all make you freeze and unsure on how or what to start? You can feel the stress just builds up and for me, during those moments these songs that are stuck in my head will just torrented out. It gives me grounded and saner as I combat the craziness at work.


Two songs resonate well with me during my wonderful time in ED, and those are: 

1) Pressure by Muse. This song is simply electric with my favourite style of fast beat tempo and kick ass guitar. The theme of this song really is about pressure, and that pressure to me applies whenever I'm stricken thinking about the huge responsibilities of being an MO. At best, whenever I'm stressed I would often blurt out the whole chorus because it feels like the whole chant to ward off the pressure (too bad it didn't work lol)

"I'm feeling the pressure
I can't break out
No one can hear me scream and shout
Get out of my face and out of my mind"


2) Thunderclouds by Labrinth and Sia. Okay, first of all, it's Sia. I love her voice. Second, this song is perfect. The first 2 seconds played and I'm hooked. To me, personally, this song is about getting through dark days ahead. Well, the song is actually about the mistrust and fear in a relationship, but seeing that mine is quite stable (All I need is love, da-dum da-dum) let's make it about work as usual hahah

"But don't be afraid of these thunderclouds,
These thunderclouds, oh no"







BONUS:

Seeing that Christmas festive is all upon us, I want to share with you guys my favourite Christmas songs. Bear in mind that I don't celebrate Christmas because I'm a Muslim, but hey, loving the songs doesn't equate to observing Christmas. Also, of all those songs, I only like two.


1. Carol of the Bells - originally this is a Ukrainian folk chant as they enter new year during springtime (pre-Christianity). The original song is called Shchedryk, schchedryk. Absolutely smashing, and also the Ukrainian language is just beautiful. It has this eerie note to it, and apparently back in those old days the chants are somewhat magical as in it invokes the good bountiful harvest into the year, like a prayer of some sort.





2. Twelve Days of Hawaiian Christmas - This is somewhat nostalgic. I first stumbled upon this song during my early trip to Klang as I began my housemanship. I was alone, scared, and overall miserable as I drove all by myself to Klang to start my career as a doctor. At that time, the now-extinct Red.fm played this song over the radio. I was like what is this ukulele, hula lesson and coconut are doing in a Christmas song but it managed to entertain and cheered me up considerably. "FIVEEEE BIG FAT PIIIIIIGSSS"



Dec 19, 2018

The Ending Days of Housemanship


So here it is, the second stop in my journey. I couldn't believe how fast time flies despite the many instances where I cursed and complained about working as a houseman here. There's a lot that I wanted to talk about, so many things that I want to share but I think the reality of it all ending hindered the process of updating this blog. For that I apologize.


I want to thank you guys for reading my blog for the past 2 years (or more), beginning with the day I graduated from medical school, preparing for the SPA interview, the antagonizing ehouseman mishap and the ever popular PTM post (it's still the most viewed post of my blog). Also not forgetting the ever-macabre morbidity posts about patients dying in the hospital. This blog is my number one place I go to to collect myself. I need only me rereading what I've shared to reinforce myself of the values and lessons I wish to never be forgotten.


So here's the recap of my whole personal & housemanship journey so far:


  • I'm one of the people from the first batch of contract housemen that began the housemanship process with the threat of being terminated prematurely for any gross misconduct etc and the uncertainty of being offered a permanent place as an MO later on.
  • Started my first posting in O&G on 21st Dec 2016 where subsequently I fall into the most bleak moments of my life due to the nature of the department. Alhamdulillah, managed to proceed to the next department, Orthopaedics in April 2017 without extension (only 1 explanation letter LOL).
  • My mood improved significantly in Orthopaedics from better working environment and people encountered there. Almost got extended during viva with the ever-scary Miss R (you will be tongue-tied with her. Her stare is like of a.. tiger?). Also I was down with shingles for two weeks so I burnt all my leaves and MCs.
  • I entered Medical in August 2017 and immediately felt the brunt and burnouts from work. I gained more confidence in blood taking (it's not about the higher chance of success. It's about your readiness in attempting it). I was lucky to get nice specialists for my assessments so that went like a breeze. 
  • Had my one and only needle-prick injury during branula insertion to a MRO patient who yanked everything out and we ended up 'brawling' (at freakin 3 am!). Was super pissed-off, went emo thus I refused to insert any branula that morning and feeling ashamed that the wife of the patient noticed it and apologizing back to me. All was well.
  • Oh, I broke up with my super longstanding girlfriend for a whole lot of painful yet unreasonable reasons (such as objection from my parents) in October 2017. Had a second meltdown around that time so I spent ALL the money I had saved previously.
  • Got my first annual increment of RM225 as the result of completing HRMIS online in time.
  • Moved on to Surgical in December 2017 where the stiff ego and stuffy attire suffocated me on daily basis. Dismissed it as my everlasting dislike purely towards the surgical-based rotation and anything to do with OT and scrubs. Being liked by the MOs, not causing issues and being depended on to take care of the ward helped me a lot in completing my logbook in due time (get the hint).
  • Entered Paediatrics in April 2018 with some preparation on what to expect. Paediatrics here is more or less like the O&G - high extension rate, tightened tensile atmosphere with the crappiest of working hours. Had a few very close shaves of getting extension. Was down with super bad viral fever during the first 2 weeks of working in the ward. 
  • Received call from Human Resources that my slot for Klinik Kesihatan placement in 6th rotation was taken. They offered either ED or Anaes. After a few hours of asking opinions and consulting seniors, I chose ED.

  • On 15th August 2018, was told to fill in the form for MO placement.

  • I antagonized myself in deciding where to go next as an MO. I am not married, I have no commitment nor any specific ties. The chance of being transferred to East Malaysia is high. As of this moment of writing, we are still not told of our placement yet. Usually, the placement will be announced during the 3rd month of our last posting.
  • Had the most enjoyable posting ever. I have a liking towards ED since I was in medical school and some idea of pursuing ED as my career  progression were already formed in my mind from time to time.
  • Received my second annual increment of RM225. See? HRMIS is super important. Do not missed the deadline!
  • Heard rumours from the admin staff and colleagues that my batch will float in our respective hospitals for SIX MONTHS. The issue of permanent MO vs contract MO - how they decide who gets what, when the status is being announced, etc are still unveiled.
  • On November 22nd 2018, finally received good news that my full MMC registration number is done. Simply google this, "MMC full registration" or go to this MMC site directly. Type in your name and voila!


  • The next step that I needed to do was to fill in the APC form (Annual Practicing Certificate) for the year 2019. Any APC for the year must be completed before December the year before. Seeing that I got my full MMC registration number at the end of November, I was considered late and subjected to a fine of RM100.
  • To prevent the fine, I had to hand in an explanation letter together with APC registration form. What is it houseman with the never ending explanation letters?
  • A few weeks before finishing my last posting, was further told that all of us finishing will be floating as MO in Medical department. What a bummer! Apparently ED got wind of this as well and proceeded in securing 8 slots of floating MOs.
  • Without further ado, I handed in an appeal letter to the admin to float at the ED instead of Medical. Handed in my completed logbook with all relevant documents to ED admin office last week.
  • Called admin staff yesterday to confirm that I managed to get ED as my placement to do floating MO. I am currently at home, watching Netflix, playing games, and eating chocolates to my heart's content. Some people went all sorts of places during their EOP, but the lack of money and motivation to travel put me here in the comfort of home.

I will be starting my work as a floating MO (or drowning MO, depends on my level of anxiety HAHAH) on Friday. It's good that I didn't bid farewell to ED peeps yet. It would be quite embarrassing to say goodbyes and then came back to work the next week meeting the same people LOL. 


It has been quite an adventure, eh? I still have two topics to post, namely the final Spotify playlists and the annual meta reflection post that I fabulously missed the deadline. This would be my last entry written with tag #housemanship. Again, thank you all for sticking with me till the end. All the best with your future endeavours, dear readers, and till we meet again.


Nov 16, 2018

The Thinly-veiled Curtains


I can't remember the last time I felt subdued coming back from work. If I'm to guess, the last time I encountered something that made me feel raw from the end of my hair to my very toes was when I came upon the undiluted rage as a grief coming from the relatives of the deceased patient. Sure, death comes and it goes. I saw more deaths since then. But over time they no longer shake me. I do fear of my own death but its crippling fear and sadness that blacken the grief just seem to mellow down.


In other words, death becomes impersonal to me. It simply became one of the simple yet unchanged outcomes of the patients coming in to the hospital. It does not change when I came to the ED. There's just so many things that need to be done, so many patients to look after, that Death bustles in and out in between the multidirectional torrents of people here like the easy flow of air. 


When you are too busy at work, deaths become harder to affect you. Sometimes it feels like there is a layer of veil that cover your eyes from the presence of the demise. That's what it always feel to me. I skirted here and there, fast on my feet maneuvering along the lengths of this thick curtain just to avoid getting tripped in the seams of Death. Anything but to deal with the grief that comes after the Death leaves. I make do with the necessary paperwork and occasionally I provide some explanations to the family, but never to witness the aftermath that follows. Deaths are impersonal, I reminded myself.


But it is never a simple, fail-safe neat trick. In came a man in his early 30s brought by the stretcher with an MA on it performing CPR to him. He was playing football when he suddenly collapsed on the field. We were already informed regarding the case beforehand and had already prepared one resuscitation bay area for him. Once he was safely transferred to the bed, the green curtains that cover each of the eight bays of the red zone, were drawn over Resus Bay 4. A number of things were done simultaneously - probes and cuffs were attached, lines were inserted, mask delivering oxygen was put on, and a small line of people queuing up for their turn to continue the CPR. Sheets of papers were filled up, passing of important figures and instructions were heard - all within the confinement of the drawn curtains separating between the attending staff and the onlookers.



However, there's simply no amount of curtains that can cover the anguish cries of his family members who waited patiently just outside the curtains. In between the thumping sound of the recoiling chest and the verseful of commands, all sounds and noises waved into frequency. Even during the hecticness of the situation, I could make out exactly everything that was happening. Of the soft voice of my MO explaining to the widow that there's nothing left that we could do, the beeps of the monitor yelling the level of Oxygen in the blood is fast diminishing, and the sobs of the deceased's friends who just arrived to the ED having learnt of the devastating news. It was getting all too familiar and all too painful. After everything is settled, I skirted again in between curtains in the red zone with only one or two glances towards the ones who are left behind. Again I said to myself, Death is ever impersonal.


Later at some time near midnight came in another patient, this time a middle-aged lady brought via a stretcher again being CPR by an MA from the triage. We quickly got into the usual routine and, "skreeet!", the curtains being pulled over. This time I handled with the things outside the curtains, namely getting the history of what's going on with her. The one standing outside was the patient's sister and after a brief of the history taking, I asked to talk to her son to tell me more about her condition as he was with her when it happened. In walked a teenager - lanky, medium build with dark brown complexion.


He gave off the impression of someone coming from a lower socioeconomic background, an impressionless kid coming from the suburban and rural areas - something that is actually expected. No 17-year old who spends time with school and friends should be knowledgeable about medicine and diseases, but it was a disadvantage all the same when taking a history from people apart from the patient themselves. Some patients don't even know or care about what's wrong with themselves, let alone of other people knowing about the health issues of the patient.


He said that his mother had been having breathlessness for quite some time now, and when he came back from exam that day (Day 1 of SPM), his mother told him that she had a fall. She didn't feel so good so she asked him to buy him dinner and so he obliged. She went to sleep early and sometime at 8pm she woke up and asked for water. The son later slept beside her and was startled when he noticed her mother's snore suddenly stopped. He tried to wake his mother up but she didn't wake up.


All the while when he was telling me of what's happening at home, I couldn't gauge his reactions at all. He was stoic. Unlike her aunt who was visibly distraught and near tears, he kept to himself and just stood at the corner beside the resuscitation bay silently. I couldn't see where his gaze was at and it was a bit unnerving. After more than half an hour of resuscitation attempt, she also succumbed to death. My MO then came out and stood in front of them, explaining that unfortunately the patient had passed away.


The aunt broke into tears and sobbed while hugging the nephew's head. Again, he was silent, but the gaze was no longer there. It just.. went away. He didn't cry, he didn't shout in anger, he was just neither here nor there. I did wondered, later that morning, whether he already expected the worst and was bracing for it to be confirmed. Imagine his love and his world gone forever but there she was, only inches from him. Imagine him going back home with one less person in it. The rest of the red zone was still the disarray and I was needed elsewhere, so after I was done I began to walk away from them.


And that's when I saw it - the curtains was pulled back a bit, not much, more like from the billowing of some unknown wind that lifted part of the curtain - of the boy, still silent, bending forward over his mother's head and kissed her forehead in the most serene and heartbreaking way of a son saying farewell to his mother. There's no tears coming out from him, only the act of love that will never be responded.


I was reminded that not all love are shown. Or need to be displayed. That we never know a person truly, only of what they choose to show. There are many layers of veil covering what's inside of us and what is outrightly display to others. When I looked at the deceased ID card taped onto the clerking sheet, I saw that of her round, smooth face covered with a scarf. It was a different person from the one I was doing crash intubation to.


It strikes me that for every patient that come to us, they are someone else's mother, father, spouse, child and etc. That in everyday's work, it's easy to forget that there are veils that cover who patients are and their mark into the world. That every patients have more than just a face and a name. Each and every one of them deserve as much respect and dignity when we are treating them. That at some way, we allow ourselves a few moments of time in silence just to think of them. And for that, I dedicated this piece of writing to remember them by, with prayers in-between, and a promise of work efforts that they all deserve.


Oct 26, 2018

An Infatuation of Fires


In the beginning, there was a fire. I guess I should say the fire is always there, sometimes reduced to  smoldering coal and sometimes it erupts into a great flame. I couldn't know when it first lighted up but I can feel it burns from time to time.


In the past, I had a great campfire. That fire burns for such a long time I thought it would last forever. It used to burn very bright and very warm, but it also came with such hazardous flame. I was burned quite often and over time the great campfire lost its fire and its warmth. The fire finally extinguished and I, exhausted and torched, moved on.


The thing about heat and its warmth that soothes you is that it comes in a lot of ways and sources. There is sunlight which is your primary source of warmth, there's heat from hearth or fireplace when you entered dwellings, there's heat from hot food and drinks, etc. But sometimes you will find yourself looking at fires that are dangerous. Volcanoes, furnaces, stoves, and if you can still play along, other people's fireplace.


But just looking alone is fine. You can't get burned from it. You may longed for its warmth, but you know you're not supposed to. Some fires do hurled itself to you, but most often it's only a small spark or a burst that will die almost immediately after it's being cast. Some fires are too enticing with its bright flames and sparks you feel like a moth being drawn to it. You can't help it so you do stupid things just to get near it. And sometimes you get burned. 


Not this recently ago I came upon a small and steady fireplace that gives me warmth. It is a petite hearth, unlike the great campfire in the past. It does not give off blazing walls of flames. It does not dazzle. But the hearth is as homely as I could imagine it could be, and the warmth is there. There is simply no inferno that will burn me. The flame may be small at the moment, and while other fires out there tug my heart from time to time I feel like I want to stay with this hearth of mine. 


Let the fire burns bright.