Jun 18, 2018

Unpopular Opinion: Medical Issue

I have never discussed any trending topics in the Internet before. I spend most of my times online using Twitter, where most of the top world and local news can be found there from various resources. I don't really like using facebook because people there so blatantly fabricate stories as real-life facts to garner likes and shares it is so sickening to look at. Twitter users, on the other hand, they tend to spill facts as what they claimed, and things like woke-realizations are a thing here. Well, some are superficial, and a few is loathing to read, but hey it's only a tweet of 280 characters. Easier to skip reading.

For the past fortnight this hashtag of ''unpopular opinion'' has been trending globally. Malaysians, as one of the rising addicts of social media, capitalize this by tweeting our own versions of unpopular opinions on a number of issues that is happening in Malaysia. One of them if Unpopular Opinion: Medical Issue.

Well, reading through this sensational thread generated a lot of mixed emotion in me. Mostly anger, a bit of exasperation, but also there's bit of the sense of unfairness. Stories upon stories came out about how government doctors are generally stupid and useless. Things get heated up when several users with healthcare backgrounds replied in defense to the accusations thrown around.

The gist of the arguments made regarding the issues are:
  1. Why Doctor A made a diagnosis and Doctor B made a different diagnosis?
  2. Doctors should never make a wrong diagnosis because:
    • they went to medical school for years
    • their wage is high
  3. Why Doctor A did not do the same investigations like Doctor B so that they can get the same diagnosis?
  4. Government doctors are subpar and irresponsible because of low wage/work load hence missing the right diagnosis.
  5. Waiting turn for a consultation up to half and hour for an actual consultation that lasted less than 5 minutes (LOL ini kelakar)

I think that I am qualified enough to give MY UNSOLICITED VIEWS regarding this whole mess. Just a two-cent worth of opinions. But here it goes:

People think it is easy to make a diagnosis (a.k.a putting a disease name to a patient) where in fact it can be quite difficult. There is no manual instruction to follow. This is not like an IKEA furniture assemble where putting two and two together becomes a four. 

To simplify: doctors make a diagnosis based on a combination or in isolation based on these things:
  1. what the patient tells us and what we can check physically on the patient
  2. blood investigations
  3. imaging like x-rays, ultrasound scan

These are the basics. And mostly patients come with simple diagnosis. There's a saying in Medicine, "common diagnoses are common", which means usually, patients come with common problems. Rare diseases, as the name implies, are not common. Hence, when we stumbled upon patients like these, we will run all the common diagnoses first as the differentials before moving on to the uncommon ones.

A complicated diagnosis will always indicate a more advanced (and expensive) array of investigations. Specific blood investigations, invasive procedures like lumbar puncture for example (taking out fluids from your tulang sum-sum), and imaging modalities like contrasted CT scans or an MRI will be considered, depending on the diagnosis.

So the question asked - why doctors make different diagnosis?

It is actually quite a valid question. If there is a disease name that has been researched and studied by doctors all over the world, why can't we accurately label it to the patient? For all the myriad reasons that exist and have been exhaustingly explained by everyone and anyone, I think it all boils down to a number of issues.

Firstly, we have to know that any disease, even with a well-known name, has a number of faces. Remember when I said making a diagnosis is not like assembling your IKEA chair? Diseases come in stages and often all its clinical characteristics or what we called signs and symptoms do not come out clear enough at the same time for us to recognize the disease for what it is.

It's almost equivalent to this famous story about four blind people trying to recognize what is an elephant merely by touching one body part of the animal. Meaning, one doctor may make a diagnosis based on what is showing to them at THAT time. A different doctor may be showed a different face of the disease as the course of the disease progresses/regresses. What they can and usually do is what we called 'watchful period' or the wait-and-see to catch the disease with a different or added presentation. A good doctor will always think of other differentials at the back of their head, hence, the waiting part, but hey, what's not shown will never be revealed to anyone, right? That's why it is easier to criticize.

Also, FYI, as one of the healthcare etiquette, we DO NOT criticize other doctor's work. We do not say, to the patient even more, that the other doctor is wrong at what they did.  We do not work with blaming others, nor we leave other members of the healthcare team defenseless. We will never know the exact situation of what's really happening during prior consultation and examination so that's why we never judge. Any doctor who criticizes others is a snob doctor and pretty much unethical.

Secondly, different healthcare settings have different resources. Now, resource is a big component of being a doctor. In fact, it is so much so that it is actually one of the four basic ethics of being a doctor: JUSTICE. I once explained briefly what Justice, as a component of ethics, is about, but for those who are willing to read up until this point (haha, this post is lengthy!), justice is about being able to fairly judge who deserves what based on the limited resources at your disposal.

The easiest example I can bring is this: Take one klinik kesihatan (KK) for example. Let's say that said KK only able to do 500 simple full blood test to know whether you are sick with infection or not. The lab only has 500 reagents to perform the said test. Now, let's say there are 800 patients that come to the KK on one day with complaints of fever. The ethical issue of justice here is this: which patient deserves to be tested and which is not?

Next comes the SOP (standard operating of procedures) or what we usually called the guidelines or a protocol. These instructions are usually locally tailored for specific institutions and there are also national guidelines or what we called the CPGs (Clinical Practiced Guidelines). Every country has it. In UK, they are known as the NICE guidelines (of which my uni heavily used on this seeing that it's a UK uni, duhhh) while the Europeans have their European guidelines. So these help us in deciding which patient deserves what kind of investigations and the treatment given.

Justice is also applicable when comes to waiting times and the duration of consultation itself. Is it fair, even if you have waited for an hour for your turn, to have a consultation with a doctor for half an hour over simple condition? Imagine that the attending doctors have 100 patients to see daily (that's an actual estimation, really. Not kidding). If one patient takes half an hour of their time, they can never finish their work. Hence, the longest consultation they can spare you is 10 minutes.

I wish I can talk more about other issues such as differences between a government doctor and a private one, but seeing that I have no knowledge about what being a private doctor is all about, I am definitely not fit to talk about it.

Honestly, I can safely say that whatever you imagined being a doctor is like, it's not. Doctors are not the only job that helps people, doctors are not paid lavishly, and yes, doctors have one of the most strenuous work load in the career industry. But all of those never, ever equate to the level of how we are treating the patients. We don't ever "paid peanuts, do peanuts''. Period. Makan peanuts, yes, but it's high in cholesterol, so eat moderately, yeah?

P/S: Happy Eid to those celebrating! Watch your sugar, watch your pressure!!

Jun 7, 2018

I Hate Kids (and Babies)

I am already 7 weeks into my fifth posting Paediatrics (wow, already fifth. How time flies erghh) and I. AM. NOT. LIKING. IT. ONE. BIT. I feel ill-equipped to work despite having to undergo tagging for three long weeks, all because I had the misfortune to catch a viral fever when working in the general paeds ward. It's not that the work is difficult or beyond my understanding - it's just plain annoying and irritating.

As I mentioned before in previous post, this department is generally stricter as compared to other department. Monthly finger-flex attendance sheet, NRP, short case and long case, compulsory Journal Club presentations and CPGs to attend, mandatory meetup with supervisor at certain weeks, and the very fact that the leave allocation is handled by an MO who opens it periodically pretty much makes it unbearable to take. 

I am so used to asking leave whenever I wanted to (within reason and time constrain, of course) from my houseman leader previously in other departments, that when I came to Paediatrics this limiting issue gnaws at me very much so it puts me in a near foul mood every time I think of it. I can't possibly plan my leaves a month in advance - what if on those days that I applied for leave I have a rescheduled assessment or something? Idiotic, kan? Why can't we have that freedom to ask for leave one week in advance like the rest of the housemen do in other departments? WHYYYYY

And don't get me started at the number one reason why I hate this department - the patients themselves. OH MY GOD this department is testing my patience very much so. There are two main wards all HO need to work at initially - the general paeds ward and the special care nursery (SCN) for neonates (babies less than one month old). Once they completed their rotations in these two wards they will move on to NICU, labour room, NBS, clinic, etc.

Now, the paeds ward is very much like my dreaded medical ward upstairs - full to the brim with patients but the difference is that the patients here are pretty much the mini-versions. They are small, fragile-looking, ill-looking, BUT VERY NOISY. True, adult medical ward has its own share of noise but here they are constantly screaming and shouting their lungs out. They do run around in the ward from one end to one end, shrieking or crying or doing both at the same time.

The most vexing of all comes when trying to take blood or inserting a line to the children for a number of reasons. One - we can only do so in the treatment room, far from the watchful eyes of other children and patient's parents. The thing is, there is only one treatment room for the whole ward that can reach full capacity of 65++ patients. In paediatrics we cannot draw the blood at the bedside. Kau gila apa nak buat macam tu. Once the other kids (and their uncooperative parents) see what we are doing, the whole cubicle will go bonkers thinking it's their turn next to be poked with scary big needles.

Two, that said treatment room is also used by radiographers who will come to the ward for any portable chest x-rays that we ordered. We will bring the child to the room and have it scanned there. So you see, if there are 10 children that needs to be poked, it will never take 5 minutes each. It will take at least half an hour each. What deems to be a simple enough process will take an unbelievable amount of time it drives me crazy.

And three - these kids are really something. They shout, they cry, they scream, they spit, they bite, they kick, they thrash around, and it takes a lot of energy and personnel to get hold of them to lie still so that any procedure can be done once successfully and without failure. I really cannot tahan with this. More so when I had to work at night where staffs are fewer and there's not much help available at that time. So apa lagi, cucuk je la selagi boleh sampai dapat. Doesn't matter if it's a small child or a baby - they all are intelligent enough to give me enough resistance and resentment.

So, to conclude - I hate them all. I hate those persistent cries and screams. I hate the inability of them to listen to reasons. I hate them all for having problematic parents who can't even take care of the branula site carefully and just buat bodoh je sampai branula tercabut and the bleeding just spurted out. I don't have time to poke your cute, chubby kid with bluish bruises again and again in a day just because you are so negligent in taking care of your kid. I hate it so much that I'm wasting so much time doing one stupid procedure when there is a lot more work to be done. 

I hate it all so much but rest assured, babies (and kids), you are in a good hand. Even if I hate you LOL.

Yeah screw you too, kid.

Apr 29, 2018

Chilling Things Wishlist

I'm gonna die here in Paediatrics, I kid you not. The mountainous challenges I discovered that are waiting for me here are quite scary, to be honest. I believe all of these stem from the fact that the posting in Paediatrics is very prone to being extended. Kau buat ini salah, hah, extend 2 bulan! That blood culture is contaminated? EXTEND! Clerking sheet's not completed? EXTEND! Tak approach assessor within the time frame? EXTERMINATE! It's like walking into a minefield blindly not with the blindfold but with your eyes blinded with fork jabbed into your already-blind eyes. So much blind. Much not see. Wow.

Anyway the reason I'm up so early in the morning is because 1) I'm an early riser (when I wanted to) and 2) last night I slept after taking a dump without performing my Isha' afterwards so I was awoken to pray at 5 o'clock in the morning and 3) today is my off day in this first week of my tagging in Paediatrics so I want to spend as much time that I have today waking up and not working. Lewls

So little time and so much things to do, as usual! I intend to just chill my ass off today, eating delicious home-cooked meal (I'm home now - just drove for an hour and half last night after work and arrived home at midnight last night) and planning to get my new pair of raya glasses (kelas kau Safuan ada spek mata raya hahahahoya). Being in the dreaded department with no guarantee of getting any leave makes you wishful for things that you want to do when given the chance of a time to do so, I daresay! There are things that I want to do in my spare time such as:

1. Go travelling abroad

My parents just came from a week++ holiday to Turkey whoahhhhh I am so jealous and happy for them! They brought home so many Turkish delights, baklava, figs and not to mention, souvenirs for all of us. Turkey was and still is one of my dream holiday travels. When I was a student blessed with a year in UK, I was fortunate to be able to travel to three European cities (Prague, Rome, Athens) and enjoyed my time there. I just renewed my passport and I intend to go somewhere abroad end of this year in sha Allah (hopefully by that time I will have finish this hateful Paediatrics!! AMEEENNN)

2. Reading novels

I have rediscovered my interest to read my currently-reading novel A Wrinkle In Time. I really do miss reading books. I have a modest collection of novels in my tablet that I have maintained for quite some years now. I always have this habit of rereading books that I love - it makes sense, doesn't it, with people who have library of books at their home? What else is the function of keeping the books for years if you're only going to read them once and keep them dusted in the bookshelves, serving as the food for the termites? Twice I have blogged about my novel collection over times - here are the links: Iqra' and Revisiting 13 Reasons Why.

3. Binge-watching seasons of TV series

Oh this is one of my favourite pastimes! Unfortunately I have ran out of series to watch except for a few that I'm waiting for the whole season to end first before I watch it all in one go. I used to keep track of my favourite TV series using Trakt.tv website (which is quite good but doesn't really serve any functional purpose, really). These are my current watching list:

These are the series that I LOVED but either it had ended or being cancelled :(

While these are the series that I used to watch in the past but I stopped watching because either they are getting boring and refused to die (as a series), I'm waiting for the next season as they are on hiatus, or I'm not liking where the story is headed LOL

Alright, my ass is getting more and more kematu from sitting typing all this. Gonna need to stretch my legs (to the fridge in the kitchen LOL) and spend my precious one day offday to the max! Happy Sunday people!! 

Apr 13, 2018

Spotify Playlist #4: SURGICAL

This is, perhaps, the shortest playlist of all the department rotation I have been through. I started my fourth posting Surgical with Feel It Still, a catchy song with mischievous Tarantino-vibe tune. I didn't know what to feel about Surgical when I first entered the department - I was a bit apprehensive and was fighting to be alive despite having to go to work with the team I was put in, having to stomach the many imposed stupid rules and not to mention handling the antics of the wards and superiors alike. 
We could fight a war for peace
Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now
Give in to that easy living
Goodbye to my hopes and dreams

On a personal growth, after months of numbing the break-up of my relationship, I began to open up and learning to tolerate listening to crappy stupid love songs. But being tolerant doesn't mean I enjoyed listening to them. For instance - I vividly, viciously, vehemently and venomously hate that Perfect song by Ed Sheeran. That song is rubbing salt to my wounded heart with every syllable that ginger bastard uttered. The very first line,
I found a love for me

is enough to make me cursed out aloud in the car at him before joining up and sing along to the chorus. The version of the song that is in my playlist, though, is the Perfect Symphony where Ed is singing duet with some Italian master singer. I was introduced to this song by my lil sister during our family vacation holiday in Port Dickson and I like it, despite the anger I felt every time this song came up.

Next, the ever feel-good Macklemore graced me with the song These Days by Rudimental to be put in my playlist. The song is gentle and soft to the ears - it's a slow rap song that seemingly innocent at first listening but it's actually a fucking cutthroat song that kills me in my sleep.

Oh, I know it ain't pretty
When two hearts get broke
Yeah, I know it ain't pretty
When two hearts get broke

And when I thought this song couldn't kill me more, here comes the bombshell chorus:
I hope someday
We'll sit down together
And laugh with each other
About these days, these days
All our troubles
We'll lay to rest
And we'll wish we could come back
To these days, these days

There's no fucking way it's gonna happen. Not in any near possibilities nor in any future. I am in the process of healing myself. I want to forgive myself, more than anything, and to this to happen I need to let go of everything. Let me start anew with myself - away from everyone I know and everything I had known to love.

Okay enough with all that depressing matters. What's done is done. 

Lastly, from the same ginger bastard I mentioned earlier I came across the acoustic version of the song Ciao Adios by Anne-Marie. I love it, love it, love it. You'll be surprised how different the tone of the song changed when it is sang in acoustic. Cheating is never the theme of my fucking break-up (sorry I'm getting emotionally unbalanced) and in actuality there's nothing that I can relate to with this song. However, there is this part that really sums me up when I had to deal with all these flash floods of miserable memories (such as this moment):
Ciao adios, I'm done

Apr 6, 2018

Sensational Surgical Stories

Per rectal is the surgical fave like how VE (per vaginal) is for O&G lol

Can't believe I'm near the end of my Surgical posting. I remembered I was feeling restless working in the ward during the first three months. At the beginning, that feeling of having to get accustomed to new environments, new bunch of people, and new stressors at work is something I truly hated. Not all wards are unpleasant - there's one I really like working with because the staffs are a bit better than the other two, but I was really counting days to leave ward work and to start peri work.

For the record, any surgical-based posting is not something to my liking. It's not that I hate it - I just don't prefer it. There's something about surgical that really does not resonate well with me. In the first place, I hate being in the OT (operation theatres) because it's freaking cold and I had to lower myself when assisting the surgeons because I am quite a tall person. It hurts my back and I am not a fan of wearing scrubs and rubber boots. Secondly, I am really bad with anatomy so it goes against everything in Surgical to be poor at identifying which arteries or nerves supply which organs etc. 

But ultimately I am bad with anything and everything huhu. I just know how to do work - just a functional houseman but not really a lighted bulb person. I'm not even a hardworking doctor. I just do my job diligently without causing any issues to my bosses. The keyword here is: be a safe doctor. That's the minimum that you need to achieve.

There is a few cases throughout the four months in Surgical that have an impact on me. I never had the time to properly dissect each event and do a reflection on it, so this time I'm just gonna list them all out and briefly remind myself why each of them is important to remember them by.

1. Confused man yanking his catheter out

A male person with severe head injury after getting into motor vehicle accident - he was not fully conscious, in a lot of pain, and he sensed that a rubber tubing was inserted into his penis (it was a urinary catheter as he couldn't control his own urination) so in such a confused state, he proceeded to remove his hands from the restraints he was on in bed and savagely tried to pull the catheter out. 

Because a catheter is designed to have a balloon at its tip that can be pumped in the bladder once inserted (so that the tube won't come sliding out on its own), it can't be removed by pulling it out without deflating the balloon first. So that person tried yanking it out. The tube was stretched and stretched and when he couldn't get it out, he let go of it. Yep, it retracted back like any rubber does - straight into his penis and abdomen. He grimaced in pain and I couldn't do anything. Blood started to come out from his penis because of the self-inflicted injury and I was left with my mouth open, wordlessly gaping as I silently cursed in bewilderment.

I was at that time, holding his other hand and body from falling out of the bed. It happened so fast and that's the best I could do. It taught me that with people having severe injury to the head (and brain), they must have a lot of extra safety precautions. I have to anticipate the things that may go wrong and to be alert with the changes. It happened during the first week of entering Surgical so it really did nothing to improve Surgical's first impression to me.

2. Four foreigners being shishkebab-ed with parang

I was working in ward when my leader asked me to become a runner for a multiple MTP (massive transfusion protocol) cases in ED. Without missing a beat I agreed (anything to get away from the ward) and I started running to ED. Long story short, four foreigners were assaulted with parangs. All of them sustained bad penetrating injury with lots of blood loss, so MTP was activated to all of them. Runners (there's four of us) are tasked with the job of getting all the blood products from the blood bank as quickly as possible. In this case the transfusion is required direly to replace the blood loss. It was very tiring. I think I lost some kilos from running up and down the stairs many times that day.

I am making a mental note to never, never, ever set foot in Klang again once I'm finished with my housemanship. There is so many weird cases that I am certain won't be happening in more peaceful area.

3. Man choked on fishbone

A young man was choking on a fishbone during meals at a wedding. It was a big one based from the drawing he made. Apparently following that he took a page straight out the old midwives' tale - he pushed more rice down his throat in an attempt to relieve the choking. It didn't work, obviously. He vomited blood the next day and was admitted for an upper tract scope assessment (OGDS).

After the morning rounds in the ward we all started to do the morning tasks. For that patient, we had to get his consent to do the scope. As I was available at that time, sure, let me do it so I can tick him off the ward job list of the day. I was busy filling up the form at the cardiac table in front of his bed so that all the patient needed to do is to sign the front and the back page of the form when a student nurse interrupted me to inform that the patient is vomiting blood.

I already know the patient's case. So I said to her that it is expected to happen. It was a small amount, we are planning to do scope anyway, bla bla bla. I was a bit crossed for being interrupted. I just wanted to finish my work fast so I can move on with another patient after that. Then the patient vomited again. And again. AND AGAIN. He was holding the yellow plastic bag to contain the vomit but the blood he vomited was wayyyy to much. I was still holding the stupid pen and paper form in my hands, watching him as he bled all over the bed and onto the floor (and my pants and shoes too).

I quickly said to her, go get help. Now. I straight away called my colleagues as well and we attended the patient. He was in a dazed and not responding to our calls - a sign of shock due to blood loss. My internal bell is ringing with frantic alarms. The patient was pushed to acute cubicle, we ordered first stage blood for transfusion straightaway and patient was pushed for emergency scope. I was so caught up with wanting to finish my work I had neglected the thing that mattered most - the patient. Sufficed to say this is the biggest lesson I learn throughout this posting. After the incident I tried to stop any work I was doing when I need to attend to patients. I also avoided from eating fish for weeks afterwards. Seram mak.

4. Elderly lady with low blood pressure.

I kinda make it up when I met this elderly nenek who were admitted because of surgical site infection. Her thick abdominal skin was infected and was removed, leaving muscles exposed. One day when I was reviewing her in the morning, again one of the student nurses informed me that she had a low blood pressure. I asked her to repeat the measurement and the reading remained low.

This time I properly took my time and examined her thoroughly. She indeed had low blood pressure, and together with such a big wound across the belly, I suspected that she was in shock due to blood loss. Her gauze packing under the vacuum dressing appeared to be soaked, so I thought there must be some active bleeding happening. After ordering for a pint of run-fast crystallloid resuscitation, putting her on high flow mask oxygen, ECG and cardiac monitoring, I straightaway called my MO to inform him.

I felt good when thinking back of my plan at the time when I saw the patient. I was able to think calmly and did the right thing. My MO didn't correct any of my continuation of the plan - we both agreed to it and worked on doing them all. But after that he forbade me from touching any high-risk patient because he said if I started touching the patients sure more issues will come out of it afterwards HAHAH. The sad news was unfortunately weeks later I was informed that the patient passed away eventually. I was a bit saddened because she was such a softie and I tried my best to comfort her when she was in pain. Inalillah.

5. MO getting into a motor vehicle accident.

One of our MOs was involved in an accident and was admitted here. Long story cut short: this incident had prompted me to have a Takaful. I have a friend who is a Takaful agent and after a very short consideration, I took a Takaful with a few adjustments made that I think will benefit me the best. Takde kuasa aku nak kena admit kat hospital gomen, lagi-lagi kat tempat kerja aku ni. Kalau betul terdesak for operation, maybe yes, but afterwards nak mintak transfer balik ke private for better nursing care. Hey, that's my two cents anyway.


There's only a week or more left for me in Surgical. I just need to complete my logbook, present my slides on next Friday, planning on what to do during my four-day EOP leave before return to the vicious cycle of hellhole tagging in the worst department of all - Paediatrics! NIGHTMARE OKAY. I AM SO NOT READY. KILL MEH

Mar 13, 2018


There is a quietness in the soul that softens the beats of the heart to bring it near purring stillness. The breath of the air becomes tangible - it runs silky cool all over the body as it washes the very sweat that usually linger with the heat. Time does not slow down as contrary to the popular beliefs. It merely became less important, the mechanics of its passing now turned to abstract, carelessly measured in relativity and its insignificance.

It is a satisfaction that is indescribable and very much unlike other pleasures ever perceived in this Godly earth. I craved for this peace very much more so than the aches that I bear. Or maybe it's the other way around - there must be a dressing for every wound cleaned. The worse it gets, the greater the need for that peace. The dark hollow penetrates even deeper, clawing and gnawing at the roots, slowly loosening the foundation I called desire to love as it sends bitter dirt and blackened soil around.

But it's more than just a peace to get rid of the misery. I had tasted the soothing moment of tranquility. It was instantaneous, fleeting, and gone without the company of time. It was like a gulp from a sip of icy water drank in the mindless strike of heat storm. Thirstily, rabidly, to the point of near insanity - I drank the elusive elixir as much as I could and when it left me, the loss nearly tore my heart into pieces.

I have the map that leads to it, though. The blueprint on constructing palace of peace and the compass that can guide me as I sail across the starry-filled seas. It's not even riddled with puzzles or blinded by intricacies. But the path to tranquility, the journey that it will cost me will take a lot of time and decisions. It might not even come to fruition. But it is alive at the moment, glowing best with possibilities in deep slumber of my dreams and hovering just so, unsinkable still even when caught in the waking moment of tumultuous roaring reality.

I finally know how I am going to spend my life. It will not be glorious, merry, or known to anyone. It will not be shared. It will not be influenced by anyone or anything else. It is not even static. The final end is fixed yet I will make the paths connected from checkpoint to checkpoint of my life to be springy and unbroken. I will wield this spear staff of mine, this way of life that I have chosen, privately and with utmost care. I will protect the happiness I rightly deserved after so long with every ounce of my strength, the tip of the point sharpened and the handle polished.

In the process I will hurt myself. There will be moments of weakness and doubt seeping in. Every weapon can turn towards its master. I might have crisis in the years to come about my decisions now. But in the end, every life will end and so will mine. What miserable short years I think I only have I wish it to be filled with my efforts to search for my own tranquility. For the sake of my life and for my soul in the afterlife. This might be the last time I talk about love and the pain I caused and received, but in the end, we are all just beggars in the world. May Allah blessed this path of mine.